This article was originally posted to a British comedy website. It contains strong language and forthright opinion from several years ago that may not accurately represent my now undoubtedly more mature feelings. It is reproduced here by request.
I’m writing this article as someone who has emigrated from the United Kingdom. Hopefully that won’t make what I have to say sound superior or arrogant, because it’s a specific type of superiority and arrogance that I’m going to be ranting about. I don’t think that I’m better than UK citizens who are living in the UK. Don’t think I’m taking a moral high-ground or that I’m here to show-off. I emigrated to be with my delightful wife, who was studying in her own country, not necessarily so that I could “do better”.
It’s funny that the word emigrate is quite an attractive word in the UK. There have been programs on TV about moving to Australia and getting a bigger house and a better climate to boot. Come on, let’s go to Australia! Everyone there is beautiful!! Let’s go there to surf and look at chicks with their tits out. Wear tight shorts like the Aussies so as to emphasise their big blonde-pubed penises.
There were articles in newspapers about moving abroad and which countries most Brits were emigrating to: Spain, Australia, New Zealand, Canada, France, The USA and so on. Go on! Let’s go to France! There’s parts in the South that are practically English but without all the blacks! What about The USA or Canada!? There’s so much open space and everything you could ever want to buy is cheaper than in Britain! They’ll give us free coffee refills whether we want them or not! They have great sparkling white teeth!
Interesting fact: More British people live abroad than any other nationality.
With that startling fact in mind, I come to my point. British people are utterly intolerant of (if not racist towards) immigrants. What a dirty word “immigrant” is, in the UK. A complete contrast to “emigrate”, the word immigrant has such bad connotations that’s practically a swear word.
The Daily Mail is a newspaper particularly adept at using “immigration” as a swear word and cleverly interchanging it with “Asylum Seeker” in an effort to cloud the different definitions. Fucking immigrants coming here and not working, claiming housing benefit and raping our wives! They don’t belong here! I visited the Daily Mail website and did a search for articles containing “immigrants”. It returned 2096 results. A search for “emigrate” returns only 149 results.
Emigration from The UK is a massive issue. It causes large financial losses in a struggling economy. Every time a Brit emigrates, British Pounds are being taken out of the country and are being spent elsewhere. Any time a pensioner emigrates they will continue to receive their UK pension straight into their foreign bank account, and they’ll be buying all their liver and onion in a different country. Anytime a 20-something emigrates, the UK not only loses 40-years-worth of potential income tax and every other kind of tax they would have paid, but they also lose the investment that was placed in that persons education and the skills they learnt. Shockingly, some 20-somethings do have an education.
People are neurotic with the fear that “The British Identity” is being lost, but the loss of identity is always put at the door of immigrants “coming here, speaking their own languages, taking our jobs and refusing to adapt to our way of life”. Well surely to Christ it’s more of a loss to “British Identity” each time a British person emigrates?
I also have an exciting newsflash for you. British ex-pats tend to maintain their identity when abroad. I know for a fact I often go out of my way to wear clothing that identifies me as British, whether it’s a football shirt or a t-shirt with a union jack on the front. I still favour books by British authors and British TV shows. Even though I will indulge myself in some poutine from time to time (look it up – who would have thought gravy and cheese could be so good?) I’m still craving a Pot Noodle right now because it’s dirty and I want it. Everyone has a cultural identity and I speak from experience when I say that when you’re isolated you grasp to keep hold of it.
Polish, African, Indian, Pakistani and other immigrants living in The UK hold onto their identity by speaking their own languages. All those nice British ladies and gentlemen who have descended upon parts of Spain and France also continue to speak English amongst themselves.
I pointed out the fact that more British people live abroad than any other nationality. I wonder, therefore, if more hypocrites are British than any other nationality.
My wife, a lovely Canadian lady, is currently a “teacher candidate” (she’s training to be a teacher) and is in The UK teaching at a school in England. Her first couple of days involved observing the class and seeing how their actual teacher, teaches. She was introduced to the class by the teacher and a particularly bright individual, a Brit, asked “Why are we being taught by a foreigner?”.
Why the fuck not, you little twat? In defence of this 11-year-old student, the attitude they have probably comes from home. In the interest of humour, though, I’m still going to call them a little twat. The student is British because at the culmination of their gestation period, they slowly appeared through the opening of a vagina. At the precise moment of this admittedly wonderful event, that vagina was located within the administrative borders of The United Kingdom of Great Britain.
As a foetus, they had done NOTHING to achieve their new-found nationality and as such they have no reason to brag about a statistical outcome unless it’s because they are racist or at least woefully ignorant. The reason they are being taught by a foreigner is because so many children like them in The UK are so fucking ignorant, rude, ill-disciplined and downright stupid that anyone who already knows this (IE people growing up in Britain) won’t want to teach the little fuckers because they’re not worth the time of day. In fact, many qualified teachers probably moved to Australia, contributing to Britain’s “Brain Drain”.
I was in England in 2007 living with my wife. A Canadian friend of ours was travelling Europe and stayed at our flat for a week or so. One night we were out at a pub having a few drinks and chatting. Presumably it was noted that the two Canadians I was with had unusual accents. Presumably the nice English lady who bellowed across the bar at us, although noting the accents were unusual, was too far away to place them as North American. That might be one explanation for why she shouted out “Oi, err, I mean, excuse me? Are you Polish?”.
When my friend replied that she wasn’t Polish, she was Canadian, it wasn’t a problem. Canadians are much less offensive than Poles. They steal far fewer jobs. Had she been Polish I imagine that it would have been about the same amount of a problem as the Polish grocery store in town was. It’s windows had been smashed in a racially motivated crime at around the same time. I was hoping to include a link to a news article about this, but unfortunately I kept coming up with news items about other racially motivated crimes against Polish people.
What is the problem with Polish people? British people need to stop blaming them for “stealing jobs”. Generally speaking they are applying for positions with temporary agencies who in turn find them work in low skill jobs like factories and warehouses.
Who is to blame for this? The Polish workers for wanting pay and conditions that are better than they get at home? Be careful how you answer this, because once again, more British people live abroad than any other nationality. Often for financial reasons. Or can you maybe blame the employers for using temporary agencies? Temp agencies allow employers to have workers who have many less rights than full-time employees. It saves them time and money.
But do they have a choice? Industry is struggling to lower costs and temporary workers allow them to hire when they have large orders, without having to be stuck with employees on a more permanent basis when orders dry up. Everyone wants their goods to be cheap to the point that most items are now bought from abroad. Even items with a nice “Made In England” stamp are usually made up from foreign made componants.
Britain is a major part of the global economy. You can’t have it both ways.
Britain and The British have lots to be proud of. Britain is a massive exporter of “cultural entertainment” sharing some of the best musicians, television programming, writers and it’s unique style of self-depreciating humour with the rest of the world. Britain has some of the World’s best sportsmen and The Premier League is surely a contributing factor to football being so popular worldwide. The English language is arguably the most important language in the World. Britain is very technically advanced (a massive proportion of inventions worldwide have originated in The UK). I could go on naming things that put the ‘Great’ in Great Britain. I could name the hundreds of British men and women throughout history who have done great things.
I hope that YOU achieve great things, too, but I guarantee that you haven’t achieved a single thing just by being born. What a lot of British people need to realise is that none of the great achievements of the past mean you get to swan around with an inflated ego and sense of self-worth, spouting racist bullshit in the belief that the country you were born in owes you something on account of the fact that you fell out of a vagina in Britain.
It’s time to start appreciating how much of a lucky bastard you are to have been born in The UK. Another roll of the dice, another flip of the coin and you might be a young Canadian lady offering her skills to educate a classroom in a country with a shortage of teachers because it is suffering from an epidemic of social decline – only to be faced by ungratefulness and racism. You might be a Polish man trying to improve his lot, but finding himself attacked in the street for no reason except that a) He was born in the ‘wrong place’ and b) The people that are attacking you are worthless pieces of shit. You might be a Chagossian who has been evicted from the place you were born in by The…errr… British. You might be a Zimbabwean who was born with AIDS.
Start appreciating the life you were so fortunate to have been born into. Do something useful with it, because there aren’t many people who get such a fortunate start to life they did nothing to deserve.