Guide To The Credit Crunch

You know what I’m tired of? Journalists using metaphors to explain the credit crunch. I’ve seen journalists standing in-front of cars with their bonnets up (the cars), explaining things about “financial engines” and “stuttering economies” and it makes me want to renege on my pledge to a life of non-violence. Again.

Banana EconomyThere is only one decent metaphor to explain the credit crunch. The banks fucking love bananas, right?  Note: BANANAS ARE LOANS. And they’re always pissing about with bananas, trying to give them away.  No wait. Start again. BANANAS ARE REALLY EXPENSIVE. But people have to own them. Because, they live inside the bananas. So the banks are giving away the bananas. Wait, let’s start from the beginning.

Life is like a box of chocolates.
And so are loans. And mortgages. Which are also loans.

Now the banks love the chocolates inside these boxes quite a lot. Sometimes, there are pieces of shit inside the boxes of chocolates – but they look just like the rest of the chocolates. They just taste like shit. Because they actually and quite literally are shit.

NOTE: THE PIECES OF SHIT ARE MORTGAGES WHICH HAVE BEEN DEFAULTED.

The banks love the chocolates so much, they don’t mind putting the odd piece of shit into their mouths, because the taste of the chocolate washes away the taste of fecal matter.

Sometimes the banks sell the boxes of chocolates to one another, trading them around. (REMEMBER THE BOXES OF CHOCOLATES ARE COLLECTIONS OF LOANS – LOAN BOOKS. THEY ARE NOT ACTUAL TINS OF QUALITY STREET. THERE IS NOTHING TO SUGGEST THAT NESTLE PUT PIECES OF SHIT IN THEIR FESTIVE TINS OF QUALITY STREET.)

Suddenly a lot of Americans started to default on their mortgages, partly caused by a hike in oil prices, and therefore gasoline, and therefore everything else in the world. When it comes down to it, people would rather buy groceries so that they can eat than pay for a their sub-prime mortgage.

QUESTIONS: Why does nobody admit that it was the spike in oil prices that caused the current recession?
ANSWER: Because future spikes in oil will happen again and again until we use water as a fuel source, so that Norway and Canada can become unfathomably rich. If we don’t switch to water, then we will all become feral animals living off the land in the moments before the world ends. During the New World Order, lucky members of the public will be nominated to stand around a burning rusty oil barrel to read aloud a prepared statement outlining which politician they would like to see sacrificed and for what reason. This presentation will take place instead of wednesday’s Prime Ministers Questions. A telephone vote will be held, and the best presentation will lead to the relevant politician being burned and fed to the remaining population.

Politicians do not want this to happen, and they are hiding the truth.

chocolate and poo economyWhere was I?

Chocolates. Yes, when there were lots of pieces of shit in the chocolate boxes, the banks became nervous. They could see their forlorn boxes of chocolates, and they could count the inordinate pieces of shit they contained. BUT they couldn’t see how many pieces of shit there were in the boxes that were owned by other banks. They didn’t want to take the risk of ending up with, what would essentially be a box of shit, with a few pieces of chocolate thrown in. So they wouldn’t trade, and the economy began to stutter like a car engine.

The banks reached a chocolate-to-shit apex ratio.  It became a shit-to-mouth loan Event Horizon. The banks failed to fast track and the situation became lose-lose in the shit-tasting-mouth-chocolate paradigm.

The Bank of England began Quantative Easing, which sounds like they were trying to gently pull the trapped Dr. Sam Beckett out of a quantum portal to another dimension, but actually just means they made a few extra chocolates to put in the boxes of chocolates. The effect being that everybody is a bit bored of chocolate now.

Chocolate in this metaphor has become money, by the way, and not loans anymore.  Everyone is bored of money.

So that’s alright, then.

This article was bought to you in association with….   Credit Crunch©:  Breakfast cereal of the poor.

Serious point: Charlie Brooker originally came up with the box of chocolates/shit metaphor in Newswipe.
Image credits: From top to bottom: Joe ShlabotnikMichael PickadNed Trifle
This article was originally posted on the now inactive comedy website, teamfishcake.co.uk

Leave a Reply