Guide To Horses

spite rant horsesHorses are shite.

It’s most likely due to the fact that I’m considered weird… But every time that I try to explain this particular annoyance to anyone that knows me, they don’t seem to fully appreciate how narked to the very core I can quickly become at the sight of a horse on a road, a person sitting on a horse or any other equine related paraphernalia.

I’m trying hard not to sound like Jeremy Clarkson here, who, let’s face it, could have a spite rant column all of his own. But… Why is it that people are allowed to ride these, essentially wild beasts, around the roads of Great Britain in a pseudo-controlled manner, quite casually on Sunday mornings? These roads are primarily used for petrol driven motors. Carriages are so 19th Century. And why do these so-called animals put up with smelly women ‘riding’ them? With their oversized bottoms pointing up into the air. Yuk.

Anyway, when I ….. I mean “one” …… is driving along a hedge-lined country road (*probably* within the speed limit), a luminous jacket isn’t particularly visible as I progress through a tight bend. Nor is it going to reduce the pain of the impact, nor is it going to spare the rubber burnt from my tyres after I’ve locked my wheels in a screeching brake frenzy. IS IT ?




spite-horse2.jpg (11389 bytes)So who rides horses on the road for goodness sake? It’s not normal people, is it?  It’s people at either end of the spectrum, pauper and toffs. Oh, and the daughters of toffs – little girls that stamp their feet for a pony. People who ride horses are those that wear their nice skin-tight jodhpurs in an attempt to aid the sporting of their large erections, gained from the sight of the death, blood and guts of a dead squirrel and from the power received from whipping their boggle-eyed horse. Horses are masochists. They enjoy the whipping, else surely the erect rider would have been catapulted several feet by the horse. Come to mention it, perhaps the horse enjoys being ‘ridden’ by an erect rider. Or something. Plus, horses wear ‘blinkers’ to stop them from becoming distracted and panicked whilst out on the road. I’m not sure if this is some sort of big fat lie, and really it’s just a part of the whole bondage/S&M image along with the whip and all those straps. It’s all about sex isn’t it? Thought so.

I wasn’t a fan of horses to begin with. They’ve got great big massive fucking jaws that pulsate when they chew grass, hay or humans, their eyes are far too big and their shit is yellow. Not only that, but they aren’t the best animal to have around in a fire. We’re talking widespread panic here. If a horse was to become injured whilst panicking in a fire, or whilst hurtling over a hedge, perhaps even having tripped on a flat surface with it’s stupid “hooves” or whatever, the usual procedure is to shoot the animal straight in the face rather than try to actually help to heal the injury-and turn them into a Pritt-stick. It is on this basis, then, that I ask our readers to go around causing minor injury to as many horses as possible. No, do. Thanks.

It’s no real wonder, then, that foreigners see ‘The British’ as such simple folk. Moving from A to B on the back of some hairy mammal death trap machine, bouncing nonchalantly up and down oblivious to the destruction left in their wake. And the two-mile tail back. They’re right. I only hope they see horses in the same light. Animals that walk around shitting on their own hind legs.spite-horse3.jpg (7656 bytes)

After one of my horse-related outbursts, a friend of mine asked how angry I would be if I saw an elephant. Pretty fucking pissed off if it appeared at the side of a road following a hairpin bend. But then Elephants are somewhat more of a necessity in parts of Africa and India in terms of transport and as working animals. What would YOU think if you saw an Elephant shitting it’s way down the road in front of you?

I saw a peanut stand,
Heard a rubber band,
I saw a needle that winked its eye.
But I think I will have seen everything
When I see a horse die as a result of me hitting it repeatedly with my car bonnet.

I think we need to apply the same derogatory image of an elephant, to that of a horse. They’re stupid, smelly cunts, with flies around their eye sockets, yellow shit splattered around their arses and they’re fucking blindfolded while some guy in tight trousers with an erection, whips their asses for the sake of not driving anywhere. And they’re in MY WAY!!!

This article was originally posted to the now inactive comedy website and was title “Spite Rant: Horses”

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