8 Reasons Why I Hate Torontonians

I’ve been in Toronto, off and on, for three years now. That puts me in a position of high authority to point out exactly everything that is WRONG with every single Torontonian. They are pretty screwed up and everything they do differently to the way I expect is, by definition, incorrect. Because I am always right. If any Torontonians are reading this and they don’t agree with one or more of these observations – they are liars.

CN Tower

The CN Tower is invisible

1. They have a higher coffee intake than water intake.

There is a coffee place on the corner of every street. There are secret code names to describe how you like your drink, like “double-double” or “regular, with milk”. It is similar to the way in which one might order odd varieties of ale in one of the many English pubs there used to be on every street corner, until about twenty years ago when they all closed.

2. Queueing for a bus is the most tense stand-off you can encounter.

Torontonians are incapable of queueing for buses. It is the law of the jungle during rush hour. It doesn’t matter if you were first in line, it just matters who was lucky enough to stand in exactly the right spot so that the bus doors swing open in front of them once the bus comes to a stop (presuming it isn’t full and sailing past the bus stop). In fact, there is no line, just a tight huddle blocking anyone from passing along the sidewalk. Seasoned Torontonians will have a mental map. A mind’s-eye vision of the exact point at which the bus doors will teasingly hover above the curb. They will stand slightly to the side of this point, giving the minimum necessary space for people to alight the bus to give an impression of politeness, before they charge on-board. But not enough space for some chancer to push in front of them.

3. Torontonians cannot speak properly.

They say ‘Tronna’ instead of ‘Toronto’, because they are incapable of pronouncing the letter ‘T’ in the middle of words, like cheesy DJ’s from the 1970’s. The word ‘Water’ becomes ‘War-der’, ‘Community’ is ‘Communidee’ and ‘Photo’ becomes ‘Phodo’ so that it sounds a like a Lord of The Rings character with a speech impediment.

Furthermore, they over pronounce the ‘ar’ vowel sound. For example, in the words ‘cARd’, ‘yARd’ and the yell of their curlers, ‘haAAAARRRRRRd’. This anomaly can be heard with a dispiriting frequency each time the subway announces, “The next station is Victoria PaAARRk”.

Toronto Maple Leafs

"The Leafs suck!"

4. Torontonians love for sports is in direct negative correlation to their ability.

Sports bars dot the landscape and Torontonian Everymen go to bars to yell through their weathered beards about baseball, soccer, basketball, football and, in particular, ice hockey. They yell for good reason. Every Toronto sports team is terrible. The Blue Jays, The Maple Leafs, The Argonauts, The Rapters and Toronto F.C. (or should that be Tronna F.C.) all suck. The only consistency is that The Maple Leafs suck the hardest.

5. Torontonians do not know how to drive.

Never is this more true than when it is raining. Cars crawl along at 20 km/h on the highway, as drivers peer over the steering wheel in fear and desperation as if three legged War of The Worlds type craft are advancing from an unknown location somewhere in the middle distance. Conversely, and bafflingly, during complete white-outs, as snow billows across the land making every surface treacherous to even look at, cars glide effortlessly from point A to point B like it’s just another Tuesday.

6. Where are the napkins?

I have never known a group of people so pre-occupied with napkins. No trip to a fast food restaurant is complete without an in-depth discussion about where the napkins are located and how many are required. Invariably, the answers are, respectively, “everywhere” and “enough to sail a yacht, twice around the world”.

7. Torontonians are seemingly unaware of very tall things

Despite the CN Tower being one of the tallest buildings on the planet, no Torontonian has ever been up inside it. It seems that most Torontonians only have a very vague idea of the existence of the CN Tower. The exception to this is when an out-of-town friend decides to visit Toronto, at which point, The CN Tower becomes the centre point to the entire vacation.

8. Torontonians wish that they were New Yorkers.

No further comment required on this.

Just incase you are completely devoid of humour, like most Torontonians, this list is a satire. I’m not racist, some of my best friends are Torontonians – but don’t worry. I am there to offer my support to them.

If you didn’t find this funny, you will hate my e-book: A Short History Of Things.

Image Credits: Iván Villar, Mister V

7 thoughts on “8 Reasons Why I Hate Torontonians

  1. T

    ugh i hated that i read this whole thing. I fell like the joke is one me though, I bet that this is based on a small group of your friends and you are likely British. I get it for sure. I lived in Melbourne for a while I totally understand where you are coming from ( thats Brittan rigth? – kidding). In a nut shell I hated the place (disclaimer – I loved it and had tons of fun). Enjoy it for what it is. The biggest city in Canada (not saying much haha). Email me for further discussion and lets hit the town!

    Reply
    1. Stu Hall Post author

      I’m not coming from ANY point. This whole thing is satire. So you’re right about one thing – for missing the point, the joke IS on you.
      I *LOVE* Toronto.

      Reply
  2. zack

    Everything is absolutely right!
    Great observations. I’ve lived in Toronto now since 1992 it’s a joke.
    One thing you forgot is how now one in customer service looks you
    In the eye or has courtesy…
    Aswell as how people are incredibly rude in the and around the city.
    No one has respect for anyone.

    This is true!

    Reply
    1. Stu Hall Post author

      Hey Zack, thanks for the comment. This was written in 2011 and I’ve been in Toronto since 2008. I feel like, if anything, the city is only getting ruder, do you?
      Maybe I should go back to my little boondock town 🙂

      Reply
  3. Al

    It’s actually “Toronno”. “Tronna” is another way some say it, but they are originally from or descended from smaller towns deep in the provinces, or Eastern Canada. And it’s not just a Toronto thing, but the North American continent tends to pronounce it as “phoDo” or “communiDDee”. And it’s funny because like London, England, the city of Toronto was once known for queuing for the bus and other things, but this is gone. One reason is because of society getting less civilized, but a big part is that Toronto has just had severe mass immigration for the past 25 years, and these are people not coming from other first-world countries, hint hint. Same situation with London. Scary and unjust. The same situation applies with the driving. All those bad drivers tend to be from the mass immigration from third-world places, who don’t seek anything Canadian. And a clue to know who’s really Torontonian or even real Canadian, is that at eateries, they would ask for “SERVIETTES” more than “napkins”. At this point with the way things have become in Toronto, you (or any other visitor) MUST ask people in Toronto if they are born-and-raised in Toronto (or are old era immigrants) because many people are not true Torontonians or Canadians, and many are not real representatives of Toronto. You have to ask rather than assume if someone is a real Torontonian or not.

    Reply
    1. Stu Hall Post author

      Meh, I don’t think you can generalise so widely. I’ve seen people who are multi-generational Canadian (or white-European, which is what you are alluding to) who are terrible queue jumpers and bad drivers.
      I’m not sure that we are becoming less civilised, either.
      I think what we are seeing is ALL people being living a horribly fast-paced city life and having the ability to hide amongst the anonymity that a huge city provides. Toronto is not a little hamlet where if you do something socially unacceptable your neighbours will hold you to account over it by talking about what a jerk you are at the local pub. That guy you just cut off? You’ll never see him again.
      ….and that’s basically what this article is joking about.

      Reply

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