I’ve been in Toronto, off and on, for three years now. That puts me in a position of high authority to point out exactly everything that is WRONG with every single Torontonian. They are pretty screwed up and everything they do differently to the way I expect is, by definition, incorrect. Because I am always right. If any Torontonians are reading this and they don’t agree with one or more of these observations – they are liars.
1. They have a higher coffee intake than water intake.
There is a coffee place on the corner of every street. There are secret code names to describe how you like your drink, like “double-double” or “regular, with milk”. It is similar to the way in which one might order odd varieties of ale in one of the many English pubs there used to be on every street corner, until about twenty years ago when they all closed.
2. Queueing for a bus is the most tense stand-off you can encounter.
Torontonians are incapable of queueing for buses. It is the law of the jungle during rush hour. It doesn’t matter if you were first in line, it just matters who was lucky enough to stand in exactly the right spot so that the bus doors swing open in front of them once the bus comes to a stop (presuming it isn’t full and sailing past the bus stop). In fact, there is no line, just a tight huddle blocking anyone from passing along the sidewalk. Seasoned Torontonians will have a mental map. A mind’s-eye vision of the exact point at which the bus doors will teasingly hover above the curb. They will stand slightly to the side of this point, giving the minimum necessary space for people to alight the bus to give an impression of politeness, before they charge on-board. But not enough space for some chancer to push in front of them.
3. Torontonians cannot speak properly.
They say ‘Tronna’ instead of ‘Toronto’, because they are incapable of pronouncing the letter ‘T’ in the middle of words, like cheesy DJ’s from the 1970’s. The word ‘Water’ becomes ‘War-der’, ‘Community’ is ‘Communidee’ and ‘Photo’ becomes ‘Phodo’ so that it sounds a like a Lord of The Rings character with a speech impediment.
Furthermore, they over pronounce the ‘ar’ vowel sound. For example, in the words ‘cARd’, ‘yARd’ and the yell of their curlers, ‘haAAAARRRRRRd’. This anomaly can be heard with a dispiriting frequency each time the subway announces, “The next station is Victoria PaAARRk”.
4. Torontonians love for sports is in direct negative correlation to their ability.
Sports bars dot the landscape and Torontonian Everymen go to bars to yell through their weathered beards about baseball, soccer, basketball, football and, in particular, ice hockey. They yell for good reason. Every Toronto sports team is terrible. The Blue Jays, The Maple Leafs, The Argonauts, The Rapters and Toronto F.C. (or should that be Tronna F.C.) all suck. The only consistency is that The Maple Leafs suck the hardest.
5. Torontonians do not know how to drive.
Never is this more true than when it is raining. Cars crawl along at 20 km/h on the highway, as drivers peer over the steering wheel in fear and desperation as if three legged War of The Worlds type craft are advancing from an unknown location somewhere in the middle distance. Conversely, and bafflingly, during complete white-outs, as snow billows across the land making every surface treacherous to even look at, cars glide effortlessly from point A to point B like it’s just another Tuesday.
6. Where are the napkins?
I have never known a group of people so pre-occupied with napkins. No trip to a fast food restaurant is complete without an in-depth discussion about where the napkins are located and how many are required. Invariably, the answers are, respectively, “everywhere” and “enough to sail a yacht, twice around the world”.
7. Torontonians are seemingly unaware of very tall things
Despite the CN Tower being one of the tallest buildings on the planet, no Torontonian has ever been up inside it. It seems that most Torontonians only have a very vague idea of the existence of the CN Tower. The exception to this is when an out-of-town friend decides to visit Toronto, at which point, The CN Tower becomes the centre point to the entire vacation.
8. Torontonians wish that they were New Yorkers.
No further comment required on this.
Just incase you are completely devoid of humour, like most Torontonians, this list is a satire. I’m not racist, some of my best friends are Torontonians – but don’t worry. I am there to offer my support to them.
If you didn’t find this funny, you will hate my e-book: A Short History Of Things.