The Haunted is a Ridiculous Movie

The Haunted is a ridiculous movie

The Haunted: Ridiculous

If you can find this ludicrous made-for-tv movie from 1991, and there are a lot of movies with similar titles, then you should take a look – provided you have the kind of patience you might expect from Christ on day 39 of his 40 day sojourn into the wilderness.

The film is, supposedly, based on a true story. It follows the Smurl family, Jack and Janet along with their kids and parents, as they move into a new home. As they renovate the building, it becomes apparent that they have awoken dormant spirits and a particularly horny and ill-mannered demon, that subsequently haunt the bejeezus out of the family. At one point in the film, the demon rapes Jack. Really. Based on a true story, as I say.

The Haunted Rape Scene

The Meatloaf in drag look

When this rape-age took place, I had no idea of who the hell the female playing the demon was and thought at first it might be Jack’s daughter, in some kind of perverse twist to the narrative. Except that Jack’s daughter was mundanely attractive in previous scenes and this demon is offensive looking in a Meatloaf in drag kind of way. The storyline was already flat-lining by this point, so I considered the possibility that an incestuous rape scene might have been added just to check if the censors had made it this far. But, alas, it was a demon. The scene can be seen here, until it is taken down: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BRuz8ZkxznM&t=56s (don’t watch if you are really, really easily offended, but honestly, it’s just as daft as spanners).

Anyway, the spirits and demons become increasingly restless, culminating in the rape but starting off by unexpectedly moving things around when people aren’t looking. You know, in that futile and inexplicable way that ghosts do. Exorcisms offer limited relief from the disturbances and the family eventually move. BUT! They are followed by the evil entities. The film ends in an abrupt manner with a white-on-black textual explanation as to how things ended for the Smurl family. Answer: lamely.

The special effects shine through the movie like a black hole in space and the acting, well, there isn’t any. The line of the film comes from Jack, when he realises that a spirit is touching Janet’s leg in an indecent manner during the night. He addresses said spirit with an unconvincing yet brilliant “Stop it you! Just….stop it – right now!” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjNaI_Jw4Pg&t=6m10s

Actually, it is the interaction between Jack (Jeffery Demunn – yes, like demon) and Janet (Sally Kirkland who has been in other things and must therefore be great) that make the movie so excruciating, embarrassing and yet hilarious. The only movie that makes me cringe more than this one is Cabin Fever which tries to be ironically terrible but misses the mark so completely that it is just terribly terrible.

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